On my bus there bloomed, before me, the front and back of life. Both beautiful and natural; the front was an extremely beautiful, young woman – wide awake and facing the day. She was texting people, playing with her phone, and listening to music. Yet, for long moments she would stare across the aisle at a sleeping old woman. The elder was equally beautiful in her nature if not quite as nubile as the youth. The elder, plastic rain-cap on her head, was sleeping in what must have been an uncomfortable position with her neck bent forward at a sharp angle. She was most likely out to go shopping, as she had a grocery bag, and was not trying to hurry any more than she was trying to be social. She didn’t feel the need to be impressive. She eventually woke up and let out a bronchial cough; for a moment both her and the youth were cognizant of each other’s existence. Past reckons future. Front meets back. I couldn’t help but wonder what went through their minds in that brief flash of humanity.
Once I had a lesson
from a girl I used to know,
She said, “Boy, you’d best not be messin’
with the things that you don’t know
Like girls and boys and loving
when the summer is still young,
because we both know that fall is coming
and we won’t dare say it
We’re scared of what it means.
Scared of what we’d bring to the table
that’s set for two, but
There’s only one tonight.
So I level with the waiter
saying, “Leave the plate and cup
I don’t know if company’s comin’
but my heart says don’t give up
Every thing I wait for
seems to take a while
so I’ll just sit here at the table
and drink away the miles
I work dead end jobs
Because I’m dead-end material.
I saved for three months.
I saved $100 dollars.
But that’s ok
She won’t let me be in love with her
i’d sell my soul if meant some peace.
i’d sell it all if i could sleep
just one night, of the week.
i’d quit my job if i was brave,
i’d sell my things and move away,
if i had nerve, id leave today.
there’s no secret i won’t tell,
ain’t no lie that i won’t sell,
to someone else, i’m a creep.
i hate you and i want you to know this
because im useless; its my destiny.
i’m broken there ain’t no repairing me.
i’d break my heart if it was whole,
just so you could watch it spill
onto the floor, all again.
i would fast if i could eat,
i would save if i could spend,
but penury, is my lot.
i’d be healthy if i quit the drink,
i’d be sane if i quit the ink,
but i cant mend, it makes me me.
I hate that i want you to notice
when i’m hurting no one else but me
i’m a coward for letting me be this
object of our fucked machine.
I can tell you what you want to hear
doesn’t mean it’s what i need.
Now. Let me self destruct alone, dear.
True Love Needs No Company,
Seems like we were lovers forever
Just a few weeks ago.
But really it was only for a few weeks
We’ve always had words,
I’ve always had words
I’ve always tried to have words.
I try too hard.
I say things.
I say things I didn’t think through —
Trying to sound like I’ve got it all figured out.
Trying to say the sentence that will fix.
There is no fixing anything.
There is no healing,
There is no moving on.
There is no thing.
I swallow hard.
I breathe deep.
It can’t be this easy,
When its this hard.
oh six, oh seven.
A few months.
I still write about it.
I still dream about it.
I still wonder if you write about it.
Dream about it.
I change the subject.
I didn’t watch you sleep
And I let those boys come in
and sweep you away
In their perfect fucking arms.
I didn’t watch as they fucked you
Over and over again.
You were hard enough to believe
without those cheap tears
and in your cheap sun dress
for all those fucking years.
Why did you care once I didn’t?